December 27, 1999
"I'm married to a man, have a three year old precious little Calvin/Dennis the Menace. My husband was the "supporter" while I came to terms with my sexual orientation. Similar to Towanda, I was raised in a very religious environment. Have never been real enthused about the male sex, but have always felt the strong sisterhood/womanhood bond and have been attracted sexually to women. Anyway, D, my husband, is truly a one in a million, is a great father and one of my two best friends. We decided to stay together for now because we are so close, and to keep a secure home for Is'. I haven't had a secure relationship with a woman yet, so that hasn't been an issue. I am rapidly finding out that I agree with Towanda more and more, that regardless of sexual preference, it has to be monogamous. Where that leaves me and my relationship with D right now is together. Time and people may or may not change that. All I know, is that I am young, am surrounded by honest love, unconditional and all encompassing. And that most people I talk to are waiting, searching for that. I have it. Why gamble with it? Leaving the issue of myself then, accepting that this need won't be filled? Ach, anyway... Sorry, didn't mean to get into the feelings, just kinda got carried away - once you start trying to explain it gets sticky without specific Q's."
January 17, 2000
"You asked me why I got married. I told you. But I didn't tell you why I have stayed married. (I married before letting myself embrace my lesbian heart)
David, my husband, is my best friend, together with my childhood friend, Melissa. I have experienced true unconditional love from him. He loves me the way I am, the way I was, the way I will become. He is one of the two people with whom there are no walls, no tricks, no second-guessing, no fear. I am as relaxed, if not more so, with him as I am with my Self. There is peace and harmony between us, perfect coordination of life goals and principles and values. I never, even while still "hetro" in thinking would have committed to spend my life with him other-wise.
I've already talked of growing up in the church. He did too. Personal choice and inbred ideals both, we take the VOW of "until death do us part" literally. As I embraced myself, and he embraced me and myself as I did, we had many many discussions of whether or not to divorce. He has said after every one of our conversations, "I married you because I celebrate YOU, every part of you, the parts I know, the parts I will discover, the parts you will grow into. I love you, and you will always be the one I want to spend my life with, whether or not sex is involved. I said 'I do' because I meant it, and will mean it. I want YOU."
I look around me, watch my close friends' (hetro and homo) marriage and relationships falling apart. I watch homes being divided, I listen to wounds made when parents divorced even though the children were "well adjusted". I watch and listen and read of fear, of rejection, of searching forever for the "one".
To deny my lesbianism is to deny me. To deny that I love David is to deny me too.
I may never find the woman that completes me, the woman that will join Melissa and David. If I don't, that's ok. I will still have my family, my wonderful best friends. If I do, I pray she will love David as much as I do. I pray she will love Melissa as much as I do. Will I divorce David when we find each other? I can not answer that any more than I can answer whether or not I will find her.
Why am I still married? Because I believe that the health of the family rests on the marriage, that when I said "I do" I meant it, even though I could not see what his love would help me face. Because I believe marriage is a vow, not to be entered into lightly, and to be broken even less lightly.
The happiest people I know are the ones who married friends, have lived their lives with those friends. Because it isn't about hormones or sex, it's about trust and true "love". Melissa asked me when I married him, why I wasn't waiting to be "in love". I answered her honestly, because I have never seen that last, because I love David and trust him.
Jackie is right, I have choked on a lot of shit. David is one of the people who I can trust not to shit down my throat.
I am young. A lot has happened in the 20 odd years I have lived, how much more could happen in the next 80... "
January 20, 2000
"1. Sex without love can be pleasurable physically, but I think since we ARE HUMAN part of our soul goes with each coupling sexually.
2. Monogamy: Even in the New Testament of the Bible - which through the entire manuscript talks about the holiness of marriage and the spiritual link (becoming one) - specifies that to become a deacon you should be the husband of only one wife (1 Timothy I think). As for the Old Testament, it was RARE for a man to have only one wife, Solomon had 200 wives and mistresses.
3. The conflict then, is this: when you give someone part of you soul, and you know that person is sharing their soul with more than just you. Jealousy is a much a natural human emotion as anger, fear, love."